How to prepare for mediation (and why we start with empathy)

• Start with your needs, not your position. Know what you want, and why it matters to you.
• Gather the practical pieces: key documents, numbers, and a short list of topics.
• Try a brief empathy exercise before the session. Consider what the other person might need too.
• A little preparation helps you speak clearly and stay open when it counts.

Start with what matters to you

A position is what you are asking for. A need is why you are asking for it. "I want the account paid out by Friday" is a position. The need underneath might be security, or fairness, or simply knowing where you stand. Positions tend to collide. Needs leave room to find a path.

So before your session, write down what you want. Then, next to each item, ask yourself why it matters. Keep going until you reach something that feels true. That list of needs is the most useful thing you can bring, because it is what an agreement actually has to satisfy.

Gather the practical pieces

Once your needs are clear, collect what supports the conversation. Keep it simple.

• Any documents or numbers that are relevant, so you can refer to them easily.
• A short list of the topics you want to cover.
• A rough sense of what a good outcome could include, and where you have some flexibility.

You do not need a polished case. You are not there to prove anyone wrong. You are getting organized so the time is spent solving the problem instead of hunting for details.

Why we start with empathy

Here is the part that changes how a session goes. Before you sit down, take a few quiet minutes to consider what the other person might be feeling and needing. You do not have to agree with them. You are just guessing at what sits under their words.

This does two things. It softens your own guard, so you walk in ready to listen rather than defend. And it often reveals overlap you had not noticed, a shared need for stability, or respect, or a clean way to move on. When you can name what matters to each of you, the conversation stops being a standoff. If you want a fuller walkthrough of this shift, here is how to move from blame to needs.

Turn blame into a clear request

Salt City Mediation works from Nonviolent Communication, a framework from Marshall Rosenberg with four simple parts. You can prepare a few of your key points this way, and it makes them much easier to hear.

• Observation. State what happened as a fact, without the judgment. "The last three invoices were late," not "you are careless."
• Feeling. Name how it affects you. "I felt anxious about covering payroll."
• Need. Say what you need. "I need to be able to rely on the timing."
• Request. Ask for something specific and doable, not a demand. "Could we agree on a payment date each month?"

Try drafting one or two of your hardest points in this shape ahead of time. For more examples, here is a guide to resolving disputes with Nonviolent Communication.

What to expect on the day

Knowing the flow helps you relax into it. The mediator opens, each person shares their view, you set an agenda together, and then you work through options. The mediator stays neutral and guides the conversation without deciding it. Most mediations reach an agreement, with research pointing to roughly 70 to 80 percent, though every situation is different and nothing is guaranteed. For the step-by-step version, here is what happens in a mediation session.

A few practical notes

Sessions are online through Zoom, so a little setup goes a long way. Find a quiet, private space where you will not be interrupted. Check your connection and camera beforehand. Keep water nearby and know that breaks are welcome whenever you need one.

Then bring the rest of it: your list of needs, your empathy for the other person, and a willingness to look for something you can both live with. That combination does more than any argument could.

Want to get ready with a real person? Salt City Mediation offers a free, no-pressure consultation, so you can ask questions and walk in feeling prepared.

• Mediate.com: mediation success rates

David

Founder of Salt City Mediation and of EmpathEase, an app for practicing empathy and Nonviolent Communication. Completing Utah's court mediation training.

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